The Lone American?

(Editor's Note: This would have been posted last Tuesday if I could have found a halfway

decent internet connection. Better late than never I suppose.)

I’d like to start this post off like so many others…with a bitching session. Target #1 today is the Greyhound Bus Company. I’m currently on my final bus ride in Australia: 11 hours from Airlie Beach to Cairns. The other 2 long Greyhound rides have been 11 hours & 12 ½ hours. That’s over 34 hours of bus time up the East Coast of Australia, which would be fine if most of that time was dedicated to, you know, driving. Unfortunately it feels like almost 10 hours of that time have been wasted on bathroom breaks & meal stops. The worst part is that at most of these 45-minute stops the majority of the passengers stay on the bus. So my request is simple (and has been echoed by other travelers I’ve talked to). Please sacrifice as much of the non-driving time for more driving time, thus getting everyone to their destinations quicker. Buses are not comfortable over long periods of time; I don’t think anyone would have a problem with shorter rides. Someone made the case to me that maybe the scheduled breaks are for older people, who may have to go to the bathroom more often and eat on schedule. Well I haven’t been on one bus with a person over the age of 35 yet. So there.

Also, Greyhound, if you could possibly update your movie selection so I don’t have to watch Renee Zelwegger as a corporate bigwig try to ruin a small Minnesota town while also falling in love with a character played by John Mellencamp…that would be great. (Side note: I wrote the above 5 days ago on the bus, which promptly broke down after I wrote it, getting us to Cairns 1 hour, 40 minutes late. I rest my case.)

On to complaint #2. Even the shittiest hostels I stayed in in Europe were never enough to ruin my time or keep me angry. But since I just left a hostel in Airlie Beach (Koala’s Beach Resort) that nearly achieved both of those goals, I thought I’d finally unleash “Ross’s Official Hostel Rating Formula” (ROHRF). With the ROHRF, the higher a hostel scores, the worse it is. Here we go.

Starting at 0:

-Check-in/Reception hospitality: add a point for each minute (after the first 5) that you have to wait in line to check in while the receptionist is obviously ignoring the customers to gossip with her fellow employee instead. Also, 5 more points for each time an employee is inexplicably rude or snooty with you. (In Koala’s case, that would be 17 + 15, and I would have used a much more offensive word than snooty if certain people weren’t reading this)

-Random hostel rules: add 10 points for every random hostel rule that serves no purpose other than their own laziness. (For Koala that’s a +10 for the “we only open up luggage storage once per hour on the hour“ rule)

-Room cleanliness: 3 points for each ominous stain on the bed sheets/pillowcase (12 more for Koala), + 0.01 for each grain of sand found on supposedly “clean” bed sheet (+20 for Koala), and finally add 15 points for each lizard you see running around inside the room. (30 more points for Koala)

-Kitchen: This is a subjective portion of the ROHRF where 0 points = large, clean kitchen with working appliances and ample dishware. Based on that, Koala would get a +50 for their disgusting excuse for a kitchen (just wish I had known that before I bought a bunch of food to cook).

-Theft: Speaking of kitchen, tack on 30 points for each item of your food that is stolen out of the kitchen by most likely drunk idiots. (Koala= +60 because of my missing Doritos & grapes)

-Internet availability: Take the percentage of non-working computers at the hostel and add that number in points. (Koala had 7 computers in their lobby, all with “out of order” signs on them. So that’s 100% non-working, +100 points) And just because I’m in a foul mood, add 40 points for lack of wireless internet availability .(40 more for Koala)

I’m sure I’m forgetting some components, but I think you get the point. The Koala Beach Resort would score an astounding 354 on the ROHRF. No hostel I’ve stayed in scored above a 162. So yeah, won’t be going back there. Luckily out of my 4 days in the Airlie Beach/WhitSundays area, I was on a boat for 2 nights, so only had 2 nights in this atrocity.

Ahh, and now to ANOTHER complaint (I promise I’m enjoying Australia more than you can imagine). Am I the only gosh darn American in this country? That’s a serious question, no exaggerating. Out of 60 passengers aboard the Atlantic Clipper sailing for 3 days/2 nights around the WhitSundays, I was the ONLY AMERICAN. I’ve already had to say that about the 5-day surf adventure & the Fraser Island Safari. I’m not upset because I really want to interact with Americans. I’m upset because you people are missing out on greatness.

So here’s my quick public service announcement for all Americans. Come to Australia. Specifically come to Airlie Beach, where you can’t swim in this:

Because of these:

So they invite you to swim here instead:

Or, if lying around a refreshing lagoon all day isn’t your cup of tea, get on a boat. There are hundreds of them:

And hang out with other cool Americans, like this guy:

If you happen to land on the Atlantic Clipper…

…With the above cool guy, here are some of the fun things in store:

One of the most breath-taking views & beach probably in the entire world. No, the entire universe:

And the on-beach view:

From the beach, climb around the rocks & cliffs:

Just be careful…no matter what part of the ocean you want to swim in around the WhitSundays, you’re gonna be wearing a stinger suit:

Over the 3 days, you’ll have several chances to scuba dive and/or snorkel. I snorkeled, didn’t dive because that comes later in the trip. For obvious reasons I don’t have pictures of the snorkeling adventure. I will say that I was beyond impressed with my first time snorkeling. It’s like putting your face in the water and getting a sneak peek into a different world.

And when you get back to the boat, surprise! They have a water slide dropping you into the ocean set up:

Did I mention you get stuffed into very tight living quarters with 2 other people?

No worries. You probably aren’t spending more than 5 hours a night in that tiny room.

If you’re really lucky, 2 more cool things will happen on this trip. First, the boat will drive directly west during a sunset:

And you’ll see something in the water that will blow your mind. For me, it was the dolphin that showed off for us for 40 minutes on the 2nd night:

I apologize for the crap picture, but it’s the best I could do (I swear you should be able to see a grayish blur in the water). If I had left Australia without seeing either a dolphin or a kangaroo, I would have called the trip a failure. Luckily I don’t have to do that. But seeing a kangaroo really would seal the deal on my love of Australia. Kangaroos, you have exactly 1 week to show yourselves.

One final thing regarding the WhitSunday experience. Your boating adventure is not complete until you go to the after party back on Airlie Beach the night your trip ends. Here and only here will you get to see the skipper (this guy):

…Get so incredibly bombed that he has conversations like this with you:

-Johno (his real name): Hey…HEY, you were on my boat right?

-Ross: Yeah, the Clipper. Had a great time, thanks.

-Johno: No, thank you…it was…it was (staring at his drink, forgetting he’s talking to someone)…it was a great trip because of all you.

-Ross: Well, I thought you & the rest of the crew showed us a great time.

-Johno: Ahh my crew. They are great, aren’t they?

-Ross: And a great boat too.

-Johno: She’s an old boat, a good boat….ahh, we’ve been through some times together. You know, I think she might be the best damned boat in Airlie Beach. She does all the work, really makes me look good…just like an older, experienced woman in bed.

-Ross: (now scanning the bar trying to figure out a quick out from this conversation) Well, either way, good times.

-Johno: Hey, can I buy you a rum & coke?

-Ross: I’d never object to that.

-Johno: Bartender, can you make it 4 instead of 3?

-Ross: That’s too nice of you, thanks again.

-Johno: Yeah, well, I’m only buying you a drink because I’m pretty drunk & they only cost me $1 instead of $6.

-Ross: (grabs drink) Wow, Johno, you sure know how to make a guy feel special.

(Luckily Johno sees a hot girl near him…I’m officially excused from his presence)

I swear I’m ending this post soon. I’m currently in Cairns, and just finished my Scuba diving certification course. Diving was easily the best thing I did in Australia, assuming my still-plugged up ear turns out not to be a busted eardrum. I will leave the detailed diving stories for when I get back.

Final 2 bonus pictures… 1). I’m glad I have enough money not to be these guys:

And 2). This picture was on the ground at the Airlie Beach bus stop. Confusing at best, but I guess, uh, go Norway?

A final question for my readers. How sad are you that my traveling, and therefore my travel blog, is coming to an end in just a few days? Be honest...